i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize