why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
