i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize