I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
