I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
