we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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