I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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