Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
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