She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
