Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
