There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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