when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I love you.
Bad choice
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