i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
