***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
