he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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