I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize