The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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