..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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