So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
