remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize