I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
