Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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