Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
