Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
