My sheets look like a crime scene.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
