there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
