I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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