I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize