Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
