i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
