Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
