Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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