i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
