his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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