I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
