Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
