____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
