We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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