She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
