he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
