You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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