if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Your dad touched me again.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize