I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
