He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
