I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it's like iHOP with fire
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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