call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
