I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize