Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
