and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
