I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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