Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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