...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize