I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
