Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
